Heavy, but happy

Dear Loco,

Mum told me something heavy today, and I just need to get it off my chest.

I asked her about her sexual abuse expecting some very benign answer, and then she said “I don’t really remember clearly what happened. I remember going out in my favourite green silk salwar Aunty Irene got me. And then I remember it being blood-stained”. And I just CRACKED.

I don’t know what is repressed, what is made up by the mind. I’m just shaking as I type this. I felt such a visceral rage. I wanted to kick somebody’s face till I felt the satisfying crunch of bone and watch as it turned to dust. Or was it fear?
Fear at seeing the world as such a brutal and scary place. I just wanted to be held and told the world is a safe place, I think.

I wonder about how to lay this burden down and not carry it. I wonder about how to interact with my mother. I’m scared and anxious having her around. Why?
I just closed that chapter, and expected it to be done.
“I’m not like them. I’m on my way to my new journey, and I’m going to be every hero of every book I’ve ever known.”.. is how I left home.
I’m scared of her energy infecting my life, an energy I don’t know how to control.

I’m trying to just witness and see what comes up as I encounter life. To surrender. I’d like to just see her as her one day and not have to dabble in extremes. Not feel the need to carry or rescue another. Have that diamond inner self that is assured with in me and the energy somebody brings just reflects off in to the world to be held gently.

May her faith hold her gently and lead her to great healing. May we always carry love between us. May it to be so for me, with myself, and everyone I encounter.

After this, I just needed to chase some happy. Went to Vivek’s and was just in the most brilliant mood. Took a nice luxurious shower. Chilled. Played Taboo. It was nice to be around all that fun energy, after which I came back home and passed out like a baby. Happy.

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