Therapy

Dear Loco,

I’m sorry for not being here for sometime. You’re here with me, and you know everything.

I’m feeling all my feelings. I’m feeling my way to an inner self that is my rock. 🧿

So much has happened. I went to therapy, and it was 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

1. Her phone beeped throughout and she kept checking her messages. How are you paying attention to your client? They are talking about something painful. What are you telling them in this moment about their pain?
If it’s urgent, you can excuse yourself but nope. Nothing!

2. She kept vigorously shaking her leg throughout. And I’d look at her leg, and she’d continue.

3. She didn’t set any boundaries with me. She said verbatim – “My next client is at 2 so don’t worry we got time” – then cut me short mid-way and pointed at the clock at 11:45. πŸ˜– If you’re anxious or restless or unable to set clear boundaries, how are you to teach me about mine?
She leaves me mid-way recounting something painful. I can recall Sumedha saying “Hey, we’re nearly done and I don’t want to leave you here and she would walk me through a soothing exercise”

4. And why is she cutting me off? To coax me in to a meeting with an ex.
She’s pulled out her diary without me ever even expressing I wanted this.
I say “I want to work on my codependency”, and she doesn’t address it at all.
She sought to lure me with the promise of closure OR reconciliation. On what authority is she making this offer?
I look confused and she gives herself away by saying, “He will come if I call him. I want you to get closure”.
First off, I don’t even mention said person except in the context of “Hey this particular situation taught me this”.
Sorry, sister, you’re not reassuring me. You’re ALARMING me!! You do not know better than your clients. They HAVE to arrive at their OWN healing.
Even if somebody would come when called, you SHOULD NOT EVER exercise that power.

5. She said mum should be shot. I didn’t express any anger towards mum. That’s bad practice because what I really want is to forgive her and not carry this cross.

6. I tell her I was sexually abused by a man who was a paying guest at ours. She vehemently INSISTS that he probably had a relationship with my grandmother.
“Why do you feel so, doctor?”
“Trust me, men are animals. They will fuck anything”
“He would’ve had his way with you, and her”
FEAR.MONGERING. OMG.

This would’ve re-traumatised me, if good sense didn’t prevail, because it would’ve been a colossal betrayal of trust for me. This woman who had suitors calling the house (her students’ parents, men from church), and she’d never pick up. This woman who said, “I’ll never let a man touch me again”.

You’re SPECULATING a very hurtful thing!

And she finished off with, “Don’t worry I’m there for you”. Creating dependency on HER. πŸ‘€

7. Why are you saying the word FUCK? You’re speaking about ME in that context. It’s TRAUMATISING!!

8. When I said my grandmother couldn’t have had a relationship with that man. She actively manipulated me by making it a feminist stance (which she knew would get me and it did) saying “Oh, you don’t think older women have sexual needs”.

9. She also didn’t hear a word I said about wanting to work on me and my codependency. She immediately went to “tell me about your childhood” like she was waiting for the DRAMA. She asked questions like, “Did he penetrate you?”.
WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH MY HEALING? IS THIS A SOAP OPERA?
Sumedha has never asked me about any details. It was like “Okay, child sexual abuse. I have what I need and the outline of sexual trauma is enough.” Recounting the details is RETRAUMATISATION.

11. AND she told me about his schedule and when he came to therapy. How many times so far he’s seen her. How he never called her back, and she didn’t like it and had to tell him off. How his father pleaded his case to her.
SORRY MADAM YOU DIDN’T SEE ANY RED FLAGS WITH A GROWN ASS MAN ASKING A THERAPIST TO SEE HIS GROWN ASS SON?!
And then asked ME when his next off day was to schedule group therapy.
I DON’T KNOW, AND WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME ANY OF THIS?!
And the ultimate – “I think you deserve better than this person.”
You’re NOT my friend, you’re my therapist. You’re NOT here to make value judgments.

12. She said I’d be scarred for life. But not to worry because she can help me.

Never again will I make the mistake of thinking I can go to an interim therapist until slots open for Sumedha.

Oh, but I went to her again..

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