I did my work as I do, and then I made up my mind (even though I didn’t feel like it) to just proceed with my to-do list to go speak to mum.
I talked to her. She was amenable. In some ways, it’s a lot. Still, it wasn’t enough. I wanted her to say and be something different. I wanted her to say, “I love you so much, and I’ve hurt you so much and you’re right” not “I didn’t mean that, and of course you’re my first priority”. I want to believe her, and it’s HARD!
I hate her for having her eyes so closed. How can she possibly love me when she doesn’t know love for herself. How can you give unto another what you’re incapable of giving yourself. And maybe in that realisation, is her forgiveness. Still, it hurts and I can’t.
At least, not today. I felt good saying something, and maybe that’s enough for today. It sure felt like it. As I write this, I process what it really felt like.
I’m so tired of being the reasonable one. I wanted to throw a tantrum.
I wanted to/want to scream. What is reason even? It feels like I’m looking for diamonds in a stationery store. Idk why this analogy but that it just feels chaotic and unrealistic.
People are complex and layered. I’m complex and layered. You were complex and layered.
And with that, I’ll stop.
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