Dear Loco,

I think about the time Luna was in labour, and I just felt so torn apart. It felt like forever, but writing about it reminded me that it was only two days. A life time packed in to two days. I felt everything I could in those two days.

I think about all the stress, anxiety and the hurt. And I wonder how it could have been different. If it’s not a sage, nor is it God then who are you called to be in a situation like that? Where does fear end, and intuition begin?

If I were calm, would that doctor have done the scan?
Would I have got to speak to somebody sensible at the end?
Is everything I could be and was in that moment enough? Required even?

It cost so much though, a high price to pay. Is faith believing everything I am is enough, and not dwelling on it like a penitent Christian?

I’m doing that thing where I pour over all the details to insure against future pain. It’s always the worst when I cannot take a second with myself.
“Luna is gone, this baby is going to die. Move!!”
“The hospital closes at 6, make a decision NOW”
“If I had acted sooner with Loco, he would be alive now”

I’m human, imperfect (eyuck, lol!) and it’s okay, right? It’s enough?
If I was perfect I wouldn’t have taken you home. I’d have known what terrible caterwauling would ensue.

I miss you. *nuzzles*

2 responses to “Flawed”

  1. <3 It did feel much longer than 2 days.

    I like coming here and reading these, even the sad ones. It feels like a Secret Garden.

    1. You’re too kind, and I am SO grateful for you! <3

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