Unfinished Business

Dear Loco,

I’ve been told there are 5 stages of grief:

  1. Denial – Screaming “no no no no no” outside the vet’s when I saw her shaking her head to Azur.
  2. Anger – “How can you just leave me like this”
  3. Bargaining – “Just one more day? Just a couple more months? Can you reincarnate as one of Luna’s babies?”
  4. Depression – This bed is my home now
  5. Acceptance – What does this look like?

I feel, sometimes, like I’ve been hit by a thousand trucks, and by the grief of ten thousand lifetimes. I feel like every grief I’ve ever known has hit me at the same time. I feel like I’ve toggled between every stage of grief and I always get stuck at 4. I push it away like a bowl of porridge, and ask for some eggs in return.

What will acceptance look like?
Is it letting go?
What does letting go look like?
How do I make peace with this loss?
The loss of girlhood – not being a child anymore. The loss of youth. The loss of time. The loss of love. The loss of agency. The loss of freedom. The loss of a life you imagined turned into something else.

Just as I’ve thought I’m done, I go back and ask Azur questions like “Did I act too slow?”. I thought I’d made peace with it, but grief does not follow my schedule, nor is it Linear.

I think that if my life led to our moments together, then I can certainly attempt to convene with my grief and say “Thank you, goodbye!”

Thank you, but not yet goodbye, my little one.

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